Category Archives: Humor

Aging: The unavoidable conditions that scare me

Almost 30 years ago my grandfather passed away at 82 years old.  At the time, I was a college student around 20 years old.  After his passing, I took ownership of 3 items that belonged to him:  a windbreaker jacket that he had just purchased only a couple of months before, a religious item that I still cherish to this day and a type-written list which I found morbidly depressing.  For some reason, I had held onto this list – possibly because he kept it in his wallet.

Unfortunately, I misplaced this paper which was a list on why it sucked getting old.  It mostly talked about aches and pains and I found some sort of solace by holding onto the list and that he was no longer suffering from anything on the list.

Now I’m in my late 40’s fearing – not the aches and pains aspect of aging.  It’s too soon for that.  Nor am I worrying about the chronic hospital & doctor visits that seem to occur with the elderly.

No.  I’m more superficial than that – especially since I’m not yet eligible for AARP, though I will be before Obama’s first term is up.

Here is my list of things I fear about when it comes to aging – in no particular order:

Andy Rooney eye brows:

This seems to be a frightening condition that afflicts the old.  Somewhere along the line, old men stop trimming their eyebrows, have super-fast growing eyebrows or have scissor-resistant eyebrows.  In any case, old people have repulsively thick and long eyebrows which can be used to re-grow lost hair on their heads or used to trim lawns.

aging rooney 1

aging eyebrows 2

Man boobs

I really don’t need to clarify this, do I?   I am definitely not referring to obese men who have breasts along with their huge stomachs.  No, I’m referring to relatively thin men who have put on a couple of pounds – in the pectoral muscle area.  I used to think the Seinfeld gag of the Manzier or the Bro was hilarious but unrealistic.  Now I find it terrifying.

aging manboobs

aging manboobs2

Lack of color coordination

I recall laughing at the style of clothes my grandparents wore.   Lime green or lemon yellow pants, orange shirt with some pattern on it, knee high socks with a white belt and matching white shoes.

Then men my dad’s age started dressing in the same style.

How did this happen?  Unless I can move in with one of my kids who will buy my clothing for me as well as dress me each day, I seem destined to become a fashion horror story.  Worse yet is the realization that I won’t even be aware that this has happened.

I am petrified of the day I wander into a Rack Room Shoes and stop at the white Dr Shoal’s thinking if they have it in a size 12.

Belt line to my man boobs

As a kid, we used to laugh that Fred Mertz had a belt line above his stomach and that Ricky Ricardo’s wasn’t much below that.  As an adult, I found out that Desi Arnaz was in his 30’s during the run of I Love Lucy which was quite comforting since this indicated that the freakishly high belt-line was a fashion trend of the times.  As a result, I wasn’t really bothered when I saw the elderly with their belts so high.

Of course, that ended when the next generation’s beltline began rising.

Initially, as we gain weight, it seems like the belt line sinks since we don’t want to admit that we need a larger belt size.  It works in conjunction with the deep breath we take when we close the pants 2 sizes too small.

Then somewhere along the line we opt for the above the gut belt.  I wonder how much of it is because we repeatedly tell the kids to raise their pants above their crotch.

Whatever the cause, I think I’ll have to accept that with each passing year – as a senior citizen – our belt line increases annually.  I just pray I can keep my belt below my elbows.

Turkey neck

This one scares me the most.  One day your neck looks fine, the next day there is a huge flap of skin dangling.  It doesn’t appear to have anything to do with weight gain or loss.  I see it on so many men and there is no way to hide it.  With every other affliction, there is something you can kind of do to cover it up but with turkey neck, all I can do is gobble.  I think surgery is the only hope and I’ve never heard of a turkey-necktomy.

I assume they can cut the flab, but then there is the scar running down the center of my neck.  I knew someone who had a face lift and because the way they pulled his face, he had to shave behind his ears.

McCain Lobbyist 2008

Ear hair / nose hair

I’m not talking about hair on the rims of the ears.  That is very common and people under 80 usually remove that.  I’m taking about the thick dark hair that grows from within the ears.  Why does the hair grow so dark when the hair on the hair, chest and back are gray or white?   If left untreated it becomes a train wreck.  I CAN’T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF THE EAR HAIR!

Aging earhair

Worse yet, the ears and nose continue to grow as we age.  Either that or our faces shrink.

I still have many years until I will encounter many of the above conditions.  My dad has reached a couple and he has me by a few decades – so I definitely still have time.  But that doesn’t prevent me from dwelling on the inevitable.

Halloween for our loyal best friend

Halloween on a Saturday brought out the crazies and the partiers.  I guess that big full moon also played a part.

My wife shot down my idea to decorate my house as if it was quarantined due to the swine flu (H1N1).  A chalk outline by the front door, police tape roping off part of the area, ‘Enter at Your Own Risk’ signs and speakers set up to play a loop of a person coughing.  I would have put makeup on my face to look like a sick person.  When I opened the door, I’d cough for effect and then put my hand into the bowl with the candy to hand to the kids.

Totally would have creeped people out.  And of course, that’s what I’m about.

Anyway, we went to a nice outdoor shopping area during the day and I have to admit, I was kind of bothered.  The shopping center invited families to come around to their stores and collect candy.

‘Doggie Bars’ were set up around – bowls with water – as it was quite hot and the dogs had to deal with some of the most disturbing things I’ve seen in quite a while.

People dressing up their dogs in costumes.  Of course, it looks cute, but I really wonder if the dogs like it.  I saw 2 or 3 dogs actually crying (yelping).  One was wearing a Gone With the Wind Scarlett O’Hara hat.

Don’t worry boy (or girl) – I would have been crying too if I had been in that costume.

So I started asking myself, is it abusive to dress your pet in a Halloween costume?  What about dressing them up and walking them around in public?  What about when it is almost 90 degrees out?

Unintentionally, the theme was continued only a couple of hours later in another store when I saw a variation of an As Seen on TV product.

snuggie for dogs box

Really?  A Snuggie for dogs?  Look at the eyes on this dog.  Clearly, he is begging for someone to remove the Snuggie.

snuggie_for_dogs

So my brain takes me further down on the pets / As Seen on TV combination.

potty patch

If you have ever seen this commercial, it is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen.  Dogs walk over to the patch and then pose.

Imagine training your dog to go on the Doggie Patch.  There has got to be an odor.  Has to be.

But the best As Seen on TV product of all time:

Potty Putter 2My 2 Buck$

People watching at the mall – Men in Capris

This past weekend my wife and I took our walking indoors to Sawgrass Mills Mall in Sunrise.  It is a very large tourist trap / discount mall which attracts people from all over including tours from the cruise lines.

One of the things we enjoy is people-watching.  It adds a little excitement to the walk and sometimes we look at a specific fashion style or accessory.  During our recent time in EPCOT, I was on the lookout for people wearing crocs. 

At least they match the shirt

At least they match the shirt

Sunday, I began by looking for men wearing fanny bags.  Except for senior citizen men, this has been out of style for around 20 years.  I’m still trying to forget that I used to wear one – along with my zubaz. 

Zubaz and a suit.  Now that's class

Zubaz and a suit. Now that's class

I wasn’t inside the mall more than 3 minutes before I identified 2 men wearing fanny packs. 

a good use of fanny pack

I'm glad he's wearing a fanny pack

Do you want to tell him?

Do you want to tell him?

Then my wife informed me of her fashion oddity.  She would be looking for men wearing capris.  Thanks to a Christopher Titus standup routine, each time she saw one, she said to me that he’d have to ‘turn in his man card.’

I have to admit, it was fun seeking out the manpris.   Pants on a man that taper around the calf and shin with ties or buttons is just plain wrong.  Even if it is in style – just like zubaz. 

capri 1

capri 2

We saw one man in his 20’s wearing shorts that they wore in the 1970’s.  You only see those frighteningly short shorts on senior citizen men who have decided they want to start exercising and those are the only shorts they own.

1970's shorts

I was flabbergasted when I saw someone wearing what appeared to be regular jeans with the leg cuffs folded up a couple of times ending around his calfs. 

No comment

No comment

We saw dozens in the 90 minutes we were walking and they varied from khaki to jean capris.  We even saw a man who looked like he fell out of Woodstock in the 1960’s wearing stone washed, torn, ragged jean capris.  It was hilarious – along with his unwashed, frazzled gray pony tail.

What we found amazing was that you could not pin down the Capri phenomenon to a specific stereotype.  Young, old, black, white, American, European.  It didn’t matter.  It seems like we saw all cultures covered. 

The only thing was certain.  Men should not wear capris and if they do – they must turn in their man card. 

man-card

 

William Shatner recites Sarah Palin’s farewell speech

William Shatner recites Sarah Palin’s farewell speech as a poem as only Mr. Shatner can.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sunday Comics – Rod Blagojevich Edition

blago-ebay

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Farts can lower your blood pressure

From the ‘I swear I’m not making this up’ file.

For years, I have been sitting at my office and my co-worker has been letting go. And not just regular farts but ones so horrific that tears would form in my eyes as I would grasp for air praying for a clean breath. His argument for sharing the putrid offense was that he had hypertension and it was great for his blood pressure.

Turns out, my co-worker had been telling me the truth.

The unpleasant aroma of the gas, called hydrogen sulfide (H2S), can be a little too familiar, as it is expelled by bacteria living in the human colon and eventually makes its way, well, out.

The new research found that cells lining mice’s blood vessels naturally make the gas and this action can help keep the rodents’ blood pressure low by relaxing the blood vessels to prevent hypertension (high blood pressure). This gas is “no doubt” produced in cells lining human blood vessels too, the researchers said.

“Now that we know hydrogen sulfide’s role in regulating blood pressure, it may be possible to design drug therapies that enhance its formation as an alternative to the current methods of treatment for hypertension,” said Johns Hopkins neuroscientist Solomon H. Snyder, M.D., a co-author of the study detailed in the Oct. 24th issue of the journal Science.

I picked up 2 amazing facts in the above 3 paragraphs.

First, there are scientists that observe and measure farts produced by mice.

Second, they are planning on designing a drug that will help my co-worker and others like him to produce more farts. And the way I am interpreting this article, not just regular farts – but of the all terrifying ‘silent-but-deadly’ variety.

From the article: A smelly rotten-egg gas in farts controls blood pressure in mice, a new study finds.”

Didn’t I also recently read that the methane produced from moose farts is a major contributor to Global Warming? Kill the planet – save a life. I’m just saying.

The article caught my attention because the title The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure seemed more like something from The Onion than from LiveScience.

And now I know why kids don’t have high blood pressure. There is nothing you can do to stop them from letting ‘em rip. They love cutting farts. Now we can encourage people to be themselves.

Now, does this mean that we’ll need to set up Farting Zones in restaurants, airports and the workplace? I can picture the annual physicals at my doctor’s office. I’ll have blood, urine and farting tests. Turn your head and fart.

The full article includes quite a bit of scientific information, but my mind couldn’t get past the thought of thousands of people on this drug therapy cutting ghastly farts everywhere I went. I know that’s a tad immature, as I’m not thinking of the long-term benefits, but whenever I get a whiff of the sulphur farts, my mind thinks of little else.

Hydrogen sulfide is the most recently discovered member of a family of gasotransmitters, small molecules inside our bodies with important physiological functions.

This study is the first to reveal that the CSE enzyme that triggers hydrogen sulfide is activated itself in the same way as other enzymes when they trigger their respective gasotransmitter, such as a nitric oxide-forming enzyme that also regulates blood pressure, Dr. Snyder said.

Because gasotransmitters are common in mammals all over the evolutionary tree, these findings on the importance of hydrogen sulfide are thought to have broad applications to human diseases, such as diabetes and neurodegenerative diseases.

I was supposed to learn here that releasing these gasotransmitters, we could one day see a reduction of hypertension, diabetes and neurodegenerative diseases. But all my mind got out of this was that SBD’s (silent-but-deadly farts) are common to all mammals.

I’m guessing the product that will be welcomed by the public once this drug therapy is released is one that deadens our sense of smell or a product that you rub just below your nostrils that blocks the fart smell and may even offer scented varieties – like new car smell.

The other item that caught my attention in this article was “the research was supported by grants from the U.S. Public Health Service and the Canadian Institutes of Health Research as well as a Research Scientist Award.”

In other words, three research centers cooperated in funding this grant. That would mean that these 3 research centers had to review a request to fund the study of noxious farting by mice in order to reduce blood pressure.

Obama and McCain – It’s a Dance off!

By now we’ve seen the picture of Barack Obama and Sarah Palin’s appearance together on Dancing with the Stars.  [Click here]

Both Obama and John McCain have agreed to a dance off.  If Obama wins, McCain will discontinue the smear campaign.  If McCain wins, Obama must do another town hall before the election.

 

For an added bonus, in a special election night Dancing with the Political Stars, Barack Obama will once again take on John McCain for all the marbles.

 

Great work on these dance videos by MiniMovie.com.